he makes me happy... i cant put into words the joy that being with him brings... but... as happy as i am there is a dark shadow cast over it...

im angry at him... so angry that i am on the edge of not being able to forgive, not being able to forget, and not being able to love him anymore...

ive always wondered how people in love just quit... it always blew my mind that this happened... but i see it now...

there comes a time when the heart becomes so broken, so overwhelmed with hurt that it quits, it simply quits... as the days go by i can feel mine beat with less and less ferocity than before, because you see it takes two hearts to keep going, a continual jump start/pacemaker...

i feel cheated... that ive been put through hellish circumstances... thinking "hum... this sucks... but ill make it, and maybe this might be the thing that helps heal..." but it wasnt... and when bad went to worse... still nothing...

what has this gotten me... confused, heartbroken, grief stricken and alone...

great...
-brittany

i *heart* margaritas...

i especially *heart* them with a certain someone...

-brittany

the peaceful quiet you create...

last weekend my cousin brendan got married...

we joke that there should be no reason a girl like her should fall in love with him... but in truth they are perfect for each other...

he loves her... its apparent in the way that he looks at her, the way he talks about her, and the sacrifices that he's going through to be with her...

at the rehersal dinner he described her as a pearl... partly because they are her favorite... and mostly because of the parable of the merchant and the pearl...

the parable goes... there once was a merchant that was seeking fine pearls, when he found the one pearl of great price he sold everything he had and bought it...

going to this event made me think about what i want from life... and who i want in my life... what i'll settle for and what i wont...

i am a pearl... and i dont want anything less than a merchant...

-brittany

p.s. on a lighter note... my flights too and from this wedding were filled with great people... on the plane back from this wedding i met an interesting man... he's a physiatrist in tucson, an aspiring movie maker, and could be carrot-tops half brother... i saw clips of the movie... it has potential...

on another note... when i got off that flight i was met at the end of the runway by an "officer and a gentleman" (who was also on my flight)... and it made me smile..

big girls dont cry... not even on their birthdays...

my life has been out of control lately... anything and everything that could go wrong has...

i dont know why... but i do know i cant control what happens to me... only how i react...

im not going to lie... i've reacted poorly to many of these things...

said things i didnt mean, cried and wailed, sulked and meditated on the bad... gotten to the point where i was barely eating, so anxious that i was making myself ill, not sleeping...

after much reflection, much advice from people who know more about life than i do at this point, and a certain horrible incident that was followed by me barely escaping losing my life/being seriously injured i realize that ive been wrong...

i've been wrong to be so negative, and that negativity is pushing the people/person that i love the most away... and life is too short to waste it being hateful...

i wasnt happy with someone just loving me... i had to push him to make a decision that he didnt want to make... i couldnt just let it go... i had to demand answers... i lost all trust... only because i made myself believe the worst... i forced myself into giving up being content... i snapped...

now im at the point where all seems unsalvageable... and it probably is... but ive resolved myself to happiness, despite my circumstances... i've promised myself a better attitude...

my unhappiness was driving him away... driving people around me crazy... and myself insane...

if i want my relationships fixed... it will take time, i know... but i cant do it without being positive, happy and pleasant... i choose that... i choose to be the person that i know i am... i choose to fun again... i choose to be likeable... i choose to be content...

i choose to make my life better...
-brittany

experience has made me rich...

today i was driving with two friends across town... we notice a place called...

antiques and stuff... antiques and STUFF? really?

i get the antique part.... but stuff...?

do you go in the store and when asked "can i help you find something?" reply "oh i was driving by and i saw that your sign said you have stuff... i would like some stuff."

stuff... i want some...

-brittany

giving up is the hardest part...

first post... new blog...

i used to do this a lot... on another site... but then i found i never had anything worth writing anymore. my life was stable.. i was content... and my life just seemed to have worked itself into what i thought was normal and happy... not blog material...

three weeks ago i started this journey of grief, for a love and a dream so big and so lost... and while everyday is a different emotion or thought, idea about it or sloution in my mind... i still crawl into bed at night... heartbroken... my whole routine shattered...and i stare at the celling with all this on my heart, wishing and praying for a different outcome than the one that i know is inevitable and real....

sometimes you can love someone, with everything... for all the right reasons... and ive learned sadly, sometimes thats not enough... even the person that you thought would never hurt you wakes up one day and trades all the love that his little heart might be able to handle for... for... meaninglessness...

is it too much to ask? i want my best friend back...